her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
