mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
