I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
