I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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