Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
