You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
