theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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