New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize