Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
