i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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