OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
