you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
