do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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