So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
