he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
