Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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