I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
