CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
