We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
