I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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