I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
