I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I need a beard to bite.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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