i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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