Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
