"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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