i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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