She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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