haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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