Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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