Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
