Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
