WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
