How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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