nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
