This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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