Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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