Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
