:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
