life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
