I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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