I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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