Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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