Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So much Jack, so little girl.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
