foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
