when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Drake has all the answers
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
