I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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