i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
