How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
