I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
