i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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