I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
