We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
