I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I think my fart just growled at me.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
