good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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