I love black thongs
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
