I wanna passion pit in your ass
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
you made out with another girl for some wings
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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