i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
