I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
