There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
