I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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