I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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