Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
