I look better un-naked...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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