new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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