tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
