I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
