i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
