I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
