i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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