dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
