i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
