You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
