I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
