My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
