Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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