for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
