i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
